If The Junk Food Corporations Wrote A Health Advice Column...

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it... Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken, chased with a corn sweetened soda. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer & WHISKEY are also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Say, have you got a smoke on you?

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around! Want some whole grain with that? Add corn syrup and you have a wonderful topping for super premium ice cream (vegetable derived via a cow).

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ’Round’ is a shape!

Well, we hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember, life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - candy in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

Dr. Pearsall’s Comment

This rib tickling satire was sent to me by food industry insider. His comments were, "What’s sad is some folks will not understand this to be A JOKE."

Actually, I’ve heard many people tell me "Hey, life’s too short to worry about eating healthy. I want to enjoy myself and live life to the fullest." Those people should talk to my 71 year old diabetic patient,

Stan, who "lived life to the fullest" eating See’s Candies for breakfast, lunch and dinner and now has Type 2 diabetes, is on dialysis three times a week for kidney failure, has prostate cancer, can no longer hold an erection, has had triple bypass, is on 14 different drugs, and is losing his vision and sensation in his feet from his uncontrolled blood sugars.

Stan would give anything to do it all again and "live life to the fullest" by taking care of his body and learning to love the pleasures of a lifestyle in harmony with mother nature. You can learn from Stan’s mistakes. Your body will thank you for it.

Dr. Kendra Pearsall is a naturopathic medical doctor (a physician who specializes in natural medicine) and a weight loss specialist. Her mission in life is to teach people the simple truths using natural, holistic lifestyle changes. You can learn more about this approach in her free weekly newsletter: Weight Loss With Mother Nature News And Reviews